My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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