Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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