the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
