I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I could fuck to npr.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
