my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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