am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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