i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
