Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
