The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
