O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
