things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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