My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
