You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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