I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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