I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
