so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i wish my penis had a tongue
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
