can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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