Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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