Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
