Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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