I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
