Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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