Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My penis needs a shock collar
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize