It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I intend to get homeless drunk
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
