I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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