it's not cheating when I paid for it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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