If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
