When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
