I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
