apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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