Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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