I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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