ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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