your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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