oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
