There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
