6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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