I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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