The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
