I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
