I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
