i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
