He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
