i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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