mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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