I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
