He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
