good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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