i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
