My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
