If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
