i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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