A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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