o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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