Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
