I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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