can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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