Do you still have your period?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
