Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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