Need sex. Gaining weight.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
