dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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