Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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